User:Znode/Humor/Marathon: Pile of Meat
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| Marathon: Pile of Meat | |
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| Developer(s) | Butcher Realms |
| Publisher(s) | Butcher Realms |
| Platform(s) | Cross-platform |
| Release date | 2005 |
| Genre(s) | First-person shooter |
| Mode(s) | Single player Multiplayer (cooperative) Multiplayer (deathmatch) |
| Rating(s) | ESRB: OMFG (O) |
| System requirements | P90 MHz CPU, 16MB RAM, 80 MB HD |
| Input methods | Keyboard, mouse |
Marathon: Pile of Meat, or PoM, is a total conversion pack to the 1996 first-person shooter game Marathon Infinity. It replaces all default levels, weaponry, graphics, and physics of the original data files.
Contents |
[edit] Plotline
Template:Spoiler Marathon: Pile of Meat is staged in "Bad Place" in the years AD 1, AD 2, AD 3.... AD 2086, AD 2087, and AD 2088. Throughout the game, the player is set as the role of butcher/president/starship captain/Jesus. The extended storyline follows that the trapped player must attempt to kill anything moving, as well as non-moving.
[edit] Characters
Template:Spoiler
[edit] The Player
The player plays the role of the main character, named Deus E. "Jesus" Machina. In early game, Deus is identified as a butcher somehow capable of time travel, and possessing much weaponry known to be effective in advancing the plotline.
[edit] Bad
The Bad, or "hczx'qqphcz" are a race of insectoid extraterrestrial clichés, capable of genetic assimilation but incapable of pronouncing vowels. Having overran many previous planets, the Bad arrive in the form of spores called "v'q'xvccsznl", with the unique ability of forcibly entering the human body. After a parasitic entry of a carbon-based lifeform via inhalation, the spores enter the bloodstream and secrete an enzyme known as "plotdevice", which serves to instantly mutate its human host to arachnoid form. Consequently, the mature Bad is then capable of producing up to a frillion spores, in no accordance to the laws of thermodynamics.
[edit] Humans
All humanity on earth have been infested or eliminated. Only one spaceship of humans, Zion, is left. Thus, the ship is constantly plagued with war, famine, pestilence, and death. The passengers are named Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Adam, Eve, Esther, Joshua, Aaron, and Daniel. It is foretold by the shipboard computer that Jesus will come to save the ship. The plotline is fully original, and any resemblance to mainstream religion is obviously only coincidental.
[edit] Weaponry
A collection of weapons each the size of a Ford Explorer, simultaneously carried by the player, is a critical core of many shooters. Marathon: Pile of Meat is known for its wide selection of esoteric weaponry throughout the varying timelines of the game.
- iPod Shuffle - Every shooter possess identical melee weapon with stylish names, and MPM is not about to stray from their footsteps. Give a beating to those Bads with a steel USB plug embedded in firm plastic! (Note: Doing so will void Shuffle warranty. Xenocide is not considered an acceptable use of iPod Shuffle.")
- In-Ephektiv 2000 - A starting projectile weapon capable of 5 rounds per century, and incapable of killing a rabbit with 80 shots. Environmentally friendly, made completely from soy-based products.
- Better Gun Than Last One - This is a better gun than the last one.
- HOLY SHIT 5000 - This is like, THE gun. It is used everywhere, including in pancakes at IHOP. It is an energy weapon utilizing the Wyclif-Dyvern reaction of the rare material flexamulatron, only found on the planet Farblagle. It emits slow moving spheres of the superintelligent shade of the color blue, which has a penchant for exploding for no apparent reason.
- Malaysian Stick - In complete accordance to consistency, the stick is more powerful than the HOLY SHIT 5000. The primary fire is capable of inducing laughter and seizure in Bads, triggering a chain of events that lead to hypertension, arrhythmia, congestive heart failure, and eventually, internal revenue service. There is a secondary fire, Holy Snuffing, which invokes power from the Universal force in order to enable the player a powerful shove of the stick, with immense sacred force of faith, up their nose.
- Rapid-fire Sniper Knife - This... uh, knife... um... has a... computerized... computer ... inside. Yeah. The computer can... uh... fire electric... um... enhancement impulses that uh... makes the wielder's muscles increase in power 3000 fold! Yeah! That's it! So now, see, the wielder can throw the knife 3000 times faster than normal humans, whereupon the knife can return instantly by... oh shit... by... uh... by... quantum materialization modules... embedded in the handle. Yeah. They were discovered in 2011. Shit, wait. Um. These two technologies aren't used at all times on the player because... they... requires a lot of energy... and the reason they're on the knife is because... the knife... has uh... a lot of energy... in the form of batteries... which are... uh... massless and invisible... FSCK THIS it's just a damn knife that can snipe and can rapid-fire, ok? The game needs one.
- Damn Piece of Tin (Arradagra) - The Arradagra was wrought in the depths of time, far before civilization has sounded its echos of domestic tranquility. The time of unrest was war, and war incarnate. Rivers of crimson marred the land with its savage aura. Here, the Arradagrra was cast - cast within the screams of death and woe - cast within hordes of suffering - cast by radiant glory of heaven upon the revered land. It has lived through 3000 generations, and it alone can hold back all forces of hell. Or, it's a damn piece of seriously old tin.
- Mitsubishi Stick - This is an improvement upon the year-old Malaysian Stick. With dedicated computer science engineers, the Mitsubishi Stick is capable of holding back forces of TWO hells.
- iPod Nano - Enough said.
[edit] Items
- FREEXXXPICTURES Jumpsuit - Bulletproof latex, well, uh, armor. It uh, utilizes uh, GN-XM technology. It is mainstream in most games, because everyone knows the excellent kinetic absorption capabilities of latex. Yeah.
- SONY-$SYS$ EnergyPak - Massless and invisible battery for the Rapid-fire Sniper Knife. It is a high-density power source used to operate the quantum materalization device and computerized computer in the knife.
- Fry's Coupon - 25% off latest gadgets. Vital to your character's survival when in shortage of credits, such as for the purchase of a replacement computer for the HOLY SHIT 5000.
- Health vials - Drinking those will
increment the $hp counterutilize advanced nanorobotic tissue repair to instantly heal your character of trauma and battle wounds resulting from alien weaponry.

